Kirsten's diary
by kikistrain
Summary: I thought I would uncover the past of Kirsten. These will be diary entries throughout her past. NEW chapter - Seth's birth! R & R
1. Sandy proposed!

**Disclaimer: I don't own of the O.C. characters although I wish I owned Kirsten because she simply rocks! Thanks to everyone who have reviewed my other stories, I really really appreciated every word. **

**This is Kirsten's diary entry from college when Sandy proposed to her. I wrote this after watching The Mallpisode.**

**Enjoy

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1987

Dear Diary

I can't exactly remember the date because I am over the moon in ecstasy, not the drug but the emotion. The most wonderful thing happened today.

Sandy proposed!

Sandy proposed!

Sandy proposed!

Sandy proposed!

It hasn't really sunk it yet, that's why I am writing it so much. I mean, Sandy is my fiancé and I'm his fiancée. We are going to get married. I'm going to be his wife and he'll be my husband. I can't believe it!

I love him so much. I honestly do. He is everything I imagined my husband to be; passionate, intelligent, gorgeous, loving, gentle, incredible, my hero and the love of my life. I love him and I'm going to marry him. Jimmy is nothing like Sandy. Jimmy never talked to me like Sandy does, Sandy talks to me with such love that my barriers just melt, whereas with Jimmy, as much as I loved him, he was kinda . . . I actually don't know but what I do know is that he isn't Sandy.

The proposal was so wonderful. He had taken me out to dinner because it was my dinner. Hold on I have just figured out the date, September 18th 1967! So I'm 20 today. Anyway, he took me to dinner and it was a magnificent meal and Sandy was so sweet. He kept looking at me and I kept staring into his blue eyes. Oh I love his eyes. They are so gorgeous. I can't believe that I have the chance to look into those eyes for the rest of my life. I hope if we have a child that they have Sandy's eyes. Oh my god I'm thinking about having children with Sandy. I would to give him a child. I'm kinda giddy right now.

After dinner we went for a slow walk under the stars through the park. The moon reflected of his eyes beautifully. When we got to the hill where we have spent a lot of time together, he wrapped his arms around me and whispered loving words in my ear. Then as we sat down, he got down on one knee and motioned for me to stay standing. When I saw him and he took my left had I froze. I honestly froze! For a minute I thought he was either tying his shoe lace or testing the grass to see if it was damp.

He held my hand and looked deep into my eyes. I think my bottom lip and chin started to quiver as he approached that ultimate question. I remember word for word what he said to me;

"Kirsten, I know what I am going to say may sound cliché but please hear me out. I love you . . . so much, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. And I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and making you as happy as you have made me. I want to see you smile, I want to wipe away your tears, I want to wake up next to you every morning and be with you forever . . . Kirsten Nichol . . . will you marry me?"

Instead of giving him an answer I fell to my knees and kissed him really passionately. I think I caught him off guard but he quickly recovered and wrapped his arms around my waist. I love it when he does that. After we broke apart, he looked at me expectantly. I knew what he was asking so I answered him, "Yes! Of course I will Sandy!"

I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've never felt like this before. I've never felt what I feel for Sandy. I am so utterly in love with him. I thought I felt the same for Jimmy when we dated but what I feel for Sandy is so much more than that! When I'm with him, I feel like a Princess whereas Jimmy treated me like a Princess there is a difference there! Anyway, Jimmy is in the past while Sandy is my future.

The ring he gave me was so adorable. He said he had won it in a crane machine the night before and when he held it in his hand knew that he to propose as soon as possible. He saw this as the perfect time. Sandy promised me that he was saving up to buy my actual engagement and wedding rings but I told him he didn't have to. I love the plastic ring he gave me because it is from him; I'm actually looking at it right now as I write this. The light glints of it beautifully. Sandy could have wrapped a length of string around my finger and I still would have loved it.

I can't wait to tell everyone that we're engaged but they probably won't be surprised because Sandy and I are inseparable. My mom is gonna be so thrilled because she really likes Sandy and she knows and understands how much I love him. My dad on the other hand will be raging. He hates Sandy. He always has. His precious daughter marrying a Jewish boy from the wrong side of the tracks so to speak, but I don't care what my dad thinks of Sandy because I don't care what religion he is or where he came from. My dad would have preferred that I marry someone from Newport, most of all Jimmy Cooper, but Jimmy made his choice and I'm making mine now . . . I'm going to marry him not my dad!

To tell you the truth, if Sandy hadn't have proposed tonight I would've asked him to marry me! I have known for a while now that I wanted to marry him and I have been in love with him a lot longer than that. I am so happy right now but ever since I met Sandy I have always been happy. He has always made me happy even when I'm not. There's just something about him. I never thought I would fall in love again after Jimmy broke my heart, but I guess I was wrong. I am so glad that Sandy came into my life.

I hope I look back on this entry twenty years from know and remember how happy I was when I realised that I was going to spend the rest of me life with the man I love. I know when I read this again that my love will have grown ever stronger for Sandy.

Kirsten Cohen

Mrs Kirsten Cohen

They both have a wonderful ring to them don't they?

I can't wait until I can say I'm Kirsten Cohen and to receive mail addressed to Mr and Mrs Cohen. Just thinking about it makes me happy.

I will remember today forever. I got the best birthday present ever! I'm in love and now I have a fiancé!

Oh we carved our initials into the tree where he proposed. Other couples have marked their love there. Now, so have we; 'S.C loves K.N'. We might have to change that later hehe.

I'll probably write again soon, but it will probably be about how much I love Sandy or how bitchy a teacher is,

Kirsten (soon to be Kirsten Cohen)

Sorry but I just had to write that in there, hehe.

Love,

Kirsten

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**I hoped you liked it and reviews are always welcome. **


	2. Dad's trapped in Singapore!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of The O.C. Darn it!**

**I am only guessing the dates here, but I hope you like it.

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January 6th 1988

Dear diary,

My dad has gotten on my last nerve (again). He has upset me so much that I have been reduced to tears. I am actually crying as I write this. I am curled up on my bed writing with a mountain of scrunched up tissues on the floor. I'm cuddling my favourite teddy bear, Lorenzo, who us soaking up my tears. Although Lorenzo is comforting, I want Sandy here with me. I want him to be wiping my tears away and his shirt to be soaking them up. I want to hold Sandy.

My dad has tried to sabotage my wedding day and marriage to Sandy from day one. We have had to change the date three fucking times already. If we had have gotten married in November like we planned we would have been married two months now. But oh no, Caleb Nichol always as to have his way. No one pushes him around. He wouldn't cancel the meetings he had because no-one told him what to do.

This time he had a conference in Singapore and he promised to be back for the wedding. The idiot I was I took him at his word because Caleb Nichol is as good as his word. Well that leaves a lot to be desired I can tell you that. He stared me in the eye and promised me, "I promise you Kiki I will be back in time." His promises aren't worth anything to me anymore.

I wouldn't marry Jimmy Cooper and now my own father is trying to deny me my own happiness. Like I said, my father doesn't let anyone tell him what to do, and he certainly won't let anyone push him around when it comes to who his eldest daughter is going to marry.

The ink on these pages is gonna be so smeared because of my tears keep falling on the bloody page! Maybe my tears will smear the ink so badly that it will be unreadable and I don't have to remember this day or read about it ever again!

Well, I am held up in my bedroom crying in Newport while my dad is in Singapore watching a monsoon coming in. Those raindrops that will be in the monsoon are my tears! The darkened skies will be my mood. I hope that monsoon batters dad because god knows I want to.

So since he is stranded in Singapore he won't make it to the wedding. My dad would expect us to change the date again to suit his schedule like we did the three other times before. I hate having to wait to become Sandy's wife. I mean, I just re-read my entry from when Sandy proposed and I remember how excited and hyper I was. But now I'm depressed, crushed and upset. Lorenzo is trying to alleviate that but I emphasize trying which means that he is not working!

I can't believe he would do this to me. Could he not see how happy I am with Sandy? Can't be see that I don't want to marry Jimmy and that I love Sandy more than anything? We planned everything for today. Now we have to rearrange it for a different date; the caterers, the venue, the minister, the reception venue, music, everything with two days advanced notice. We'll have to call all the guests and tell them. They won't be please.

Wait . . . they won't be pleased? Hell look at me, I'm in my room holding a stuffed animal alone. My wedding dress is begging to be worn and I wanna wear it because I wanna look beautiful for Sandy and that is the only way I know how. I want to be his wife so much and my dad is making me wait even longer. I bet no-one made him wait to getting married to mom. I hate this, I hate this, I fucking hate this!

He is supposed to walk me down the aisle and hand me to Sandy but he is in Singapore, on the other side of the bloody world revelling in the fact that my wedding has been postponed again while I am crying because it has been postponed.

I can't let my dad push me around again, especially when it comes to Sandy. Yes he is my dad and he "gives me away" but if this is the way he is going to behave then I don't think he can be there.

Jeepers, my tears are getting more and fiercer. They are falling quicker than I can breathe or write for that matter. I really should get a grip but I just can't.

I don't I can actually physically wait to become Mrs Sandy Cohen, I feel like running out of this run and getting Sandy and driving to Vegas and eloping. That would really piss my dad off but I'm in love and crazy!

Like I said, I don't want to wait any longer because my patience has been pushed too far. Three times! This is the fourth date that everyone has agreed on.

I'm kinda rambling on here. I guess Sandy is rubbing off on me. But when he rambles it's incredibly adorable yet with me I sound like an absolute idiot. Hell, I even write like an absolute idiot.

Kirsten shut up. Just shut up!

My mom understands how much dad has hurt me. She's seen it too many times before. She always made me calm down after he upset me. She would hug me and tell me to remember better times and how my dad cried when I was born. He's my dad and as much as he's hurt me, I still love him.

But I am gonna tell everyone that Sandy and I are gonna get married on the 8th of this week like we planned. If he won't walk me down the aisle like any father, then he won't be there on the happiest day of my life.

Hey, my tears have stopped and I'm getting married.

I'm getting married!

Until my wedding day,

Kirsten

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**Please please review. Should I continue with Kirsten's diary entries or not bother. Feed back will be very much appreciated. Thanks**


	3. My Wedding Day!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for Rachel and Lisa and Adam. This is the actual wedding day so, enjoy! Btw, I'm not following that 'The Power of Love' was their 20th anniversary but by Sandy's account from 'The Countdown'

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January 8th 1988

My wedding day

Dear diary,

Just to let you know this entry will be a little longer than the others because I have so much I wanna remember!

I'm married. I am Kirsten Cohen. I am Mrs Sanford Cohen!

When I woke up this morning I had a huge and I mean huge smile on my face. Some women have butterflies in their stomach before they get married; I on the other hand went hyper! My mom had to sit me down I was so hyper. I was jumping and running around the house so much I was surprised someone didn't slap me or that I didn't fall down the stairs and broke my leg!

Hailey was so excited. At breakfast she came into the kitchen in her flower girl dress with her hair already done and she looked at me with her mouth open expectantly. She stood there and yelled, "Kirsten! Why aren't you dressed? The wedding is in like four hours and you aren't dressed!"

I simply looked at her. I was about to speak when she continued, "I don't wanna hear it. I want you to go up to your room and get into your wedding dress young lady! The next time I see you, you better be ready!"

Mom was trying not to laugh at Hailey and so was I quite frankly. Hailey really was adamant about me getting dressed because when I didn't move she dragged me to the stairs by my arm and ordered me to get dressed. Just to make her happy I walked up the stairs mockingly saying, "Yes ma'am, whatever say ma'am."

I actually did what Hailey told me to do. I took the dress off the hanger and changed into it. The dress is so beautiful. It has a fitted bodice with spaghetti straps or as Hailey used to say 'sphag-u-etti'. The dress also has a flowing skirt which has a train that trails for a metre or so. The bodice has a few beads embroidered into it; mom did that herself as Hailey's wedding gift. Mom said that this dress was the only dress for me when I tried it on. I love that this was the first dress that I tried on and that it wasn't a really expensive one that everyone expected me to wear. I love it and I hope Sandy does too, I mean, I wanna look beautiful for him.

I did my make-up which was minimal because all I put on was eye shadow and lipstick. I can't remember if I put mascara on or not. Then I finished doing my hair. I had curlers in all night so when I took them out my hair was lovely and curly, so I sprayed it with some hairspray to keep it curly. Whenever I had it curled in Berkeley Sandy loved it because he wraps his fingers in a curls and plays with it, he also said that I look like an angel and that he can almost see the halo. I just blushed when he said that. Aww he is so perfect.

Later we left for the chapel. Oh by the way we are in Newport just in case I didn't mention that. Sandy and his mom arrived ahead of us and when we arrived, mom and I went into the Bride's Room and checked the dress to see that it was ok and that I looked ok. I then went to check on my bridesmaids, Lisa and Rachel, my best friends from Berkeley. Their dresses were so beautiful, maroon coloured because it's my favourite colour and they carried white roses. They looked gorgeous. Hailey was also wearing a maroon dress and her long hair was twisted and up in a lovely style on her head. She was up since dawn getting it done!

Before I knew it mom helped me put on my veil and put it in front of my face and to stop my hand from shaking. Great, I had reverted from being hyper to nervous. I wonder if Sandy felt nervous.

For some reason I kept looking at the door of the room waiting for dad to come in and tell me that I looked beautiful and that it was time to get married, but he never came. Why? Because he is stranded in Singapore!

Well, anyway, mom also helped me go over 'the checklist'; you know something borrowed, something blue, something old, something new. The thing that was borrowed were mom's earrings, new was the dress, old were the earrings too, blue are my eyes and if that doesn't count the earrings because they are a light sky blue.

Then I stood behind my bridesmaids and groomsmen and Hailey. The bridesmaids went down the aisle escorted by the groomsmen. Oh how I envied them, they had someone to help them make that first step. Then Hailey walked down the aisle just like she practised everyday since she find out I was getting married. She sprinkled maroon and white flower petals on the carpeted aisle. Then it was my turn. The Bridal March began and I was nearly crying but this point and I could barely move. If dad was here he would be moving me towards Sandy or if he had his way to the door. But then I realised that if Hailey could walk down there by herself, and if I wanted to get married to Sandy, I could walk down the aisle too.

I quickly wiped a tear away half way down the aisle but all the while smiling and walking towards Sandy. Everyone was looking at me and mom was crying and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Even Sandy's mom looked at me is if I were a real human being and realised that I was becoming Sandy's wife. Sandy's eyes were glued to me in disbelief.

Then after what seemed like an eternity, I arrived at the altar (so cliché I know but its true). Everything from then on happened so fast and I constantly had to wipe tears off my face. I could barely say my vows because I was so happy and emotional. I know I'm not one for expressing emotions but there is something about Sandy that makes me so free and so like jelly and there are no restrictions with him. I just gush over him.

"Now I pronounce husband and wife." The second best sentence in the English language after "I love you"! "You may kiss the bride". The third best! Sandy delicately lifted up my veil and before he kissed me he quickly yet lovingly wiped my tears of my cheek in one fluid movement. Then we kissed. It wasn't a quick peck or a long one, it was perfect. Loving. Natural. Delicate.

We then walked back down the aisle hand in hand. At least I had someone to walk me down the aisle, no matter what direction it was. We walked down the aisle as Mr and Mrs Cohen. That sounds so perfect.

After the ceremony and the wedding photos I threw the bouquet over my head. Lisa was the one who caught it and her boyfriend mouthed "Thank-you" to me. I'm not sure if that was sincere or sarcastic! But those two look so cute together!

At the reception we had our first dance as husband and wife while our family and friends watched. Sandy's hand was on the small of my back, (I want to weld it there; it is so perfect), while he brought our hands up to his chest, over his heart. My other hand went around his neck. We looked into each others eyes and our foreheads touched. Then my head went to his neck and I closed my eyes and moved with him to the music. I'm shorter than him even with heels and that just makes us fit perfectly together.

Mutually and without talking we shifted position. I wrapped both my arms around his neck and both his went around my waist. Mom took a picture of both of them! I can't wait to see them. She is snap-happy today and I love her for that as I wanna see everything that happened today. Anyway, he kissed my hair and hugged me to him as he placed his head into my neck. It felt so right to be in his arms. Then I looked up at the people in the room over Sandy's shoulder. Mom was smiling at us, my sister was swaying from side to side, Jimmy was refusing to look at us and then someone walked nonchalantly through the door of the ballroom.

My father.

At first I was surprised and relieved to see him but just like that I became angry and upset with him. But then I remembered where I was . . . . in Sandy's arms. In my husband's arms. Dad was looking at me lovingly as if he had done nothing wrong. I knew he was looking at me and not us. Knowing this, I looked away from him and hugged Sandy even tighter to me.

Then Sandy and I mutually moved again but only our heads and we kissed. Only this time it was lingering and incredibly loving. It was slow too. See, we are barely even married and we think as one. I could so get used to this hehe. I could get used to kissing him whenever I want, making love whenever we want, albeit it won't be that different from what we did but I get to wake up beside him every morning. We'll have a life together.

All too soon the dance was over. I didn't want to leave his arms but we had to.

I was dancing with Adam, Sandy's best man, and before I could say "No" Jimmy cut in and danced with me. I didn't invite him, my father did. I said "No" a billion times but lie I said dad always gets his way. Jimmy tried to make conversation with me but I didn't really let him. I answered the odd question though, like 'How's Hailey?' I tried to dance as far away from him as possible but he kept trying to pull me closer. The way he was trying to dance was as if it was our wedding but he married some girl called Julie and **I am married to Sandy.**

While I danced with Jimmy I kept my eye on Sandy the whole time, even when my back was to him I spun us around quickly so I could look at me gorgeous husband and not Jimmy Cooper in front of me. I know it sounds mean but he broke my heart years ago and now I have the most perfect guy, Sandy Cohen. When Sandy caught me looking at him, he smiled what I call the 'Sandy Smile' and I blew him a kiss. It's a routine we do, I blow a kiss, he 'catches it' and sends me one which I 'catch'. Then I saw dad smiling at us this time. It was as if he didn't even notice me looking longingly at Sandy or blowing him kisses. Again I looked away from him. He's happy when I'm with the man I'm not happy with and the one he wants me to marry one day. Typical!

Some time through the dance I thanked Jimmy for the dance and left to go over to Sandy and he was talking to mom. She saw me coming and quickly excused herself from Sandy. Sandy turned towards me and I kissed him so passionately it was unbelievable. I had never kissed him like that before ever. Again his arms went around me and naturally mine went around his neck. He swung me around in his arms and sat me down again never once breaking the kiss. Then, this was the most romantic and best part; he lifted me up into his arms like you do brides. It was so romantic. We were still locked together and he carried me onto the dance floor again and sat me down again without breaking the kiss. After we broke apart he spun me around the dance floor and I smiled and giggled so much. I love how he makes me so happy. I love him. I'm in love with him.

Later that night after dancing with Hailey, dad came over. I tried to walk away with Hailey but be grabbed my arm and asked me to dance. He always had to have his way I remembered so I let him lead me in a dance. He tried to apologise and I replied that it was ok because he sucks at apologies. I replied to his 'apology' in a neutral voice but that's all it was; in voice but not in mind or heart. I'm sure in the future I might forgive him but it won't be today because he nearly sabotaged it and I would have had to wait to be this happy. When the dance ended I kissed him in the cheek like I always do and walked away. I went to talk to Lisa and Rachel who were talking to Sandy's brother and sister.

This all happened a few hours ago and here I am recalling every moment which I will remember for ever. Even thought it nearly didn't happen, it was the happiest day of my life and I can't imagine or want it to happen any other way.

Love as always; see ya later, for the first time,

Kirsten Cohen

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**Well what did you think? The next chapter is when Kirsten becomes pregnant with Seth.**


	4. I'm pregnant again

**Disclaimer; Anything OC related or recognisable I don't own, only Lorenzo! Like I said I am only guessing the dates.**

**Thanks to all the reviews and comments from britgirl2003, KikiCohen, kandy4eva, CynthiaB and Brenda Osler. I really appreciated your kind words. Special thanks to britgirl2003 for helping with this chapter, rock on!

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April 18th 1988

Dear diary

They say that this is supposed to be a happy day but they haven't lived my life and they don't understand why I feel the way I feel about this.

Honestly, I should be over the moon but I'm not and I'll explain why that is in a minute but I just wanna write this before I start talking or writing in circles without getting my point across.

I'm pregnant.

I have Sandy's baby growing inside me just like I did Jimmy's once a long time ago. Well, it seems like a long time ago but it was actually just a few years ago. I never recorded it in my diary in case Sandy accidentally found it or if Hailey found it and showed it to dad. If dad had have known he would've killed me. Hell, I would've killed me. But now I'm pregnant by my husband.

When I was pregnant with Jimmy's child I was 17. I was just a kid. It wasn't the first time we had sex, but it just happened. I loved him but I couldn't tell him I was pregnant. I didn't. The only person I told was mom and like always she supported me and calmed me down after I went hysterical. Mom was actually going to let me have the baby but that would involve dad knowing and then me marrying Jimmy. As much as I loved Jimmy then, I was 17 and not ready to be a mother or a wife for that matter. I couldn't marry him.

So I made my decision of what I wanted to do. Get married or abort the pregnancy? I chose the latter option that day alone in my room talking it through with Lorenzo. I told Lorenzo that I wasn't going to have the baby and that I didn't want to marry Jimmy. Just to remind you, Lorenzo is my favourite teddy bear but you should already know that.

I might as well recall the entire thing because I'm halfway there already. Well I had the abortion somewhere outside Chino but I honestly couldn't remember where it was. I told my mom that I was going to quickly visit a friend in LA because I couldn't tell her I was having an abortion. I was going to tell her that I miscarried the baby and that was exactly what I told her the next day.

I had the abortion and it was painful; physically obviously but mentally as well and I hated every minute of it. I was so glad the place didn't ask for ID because I would've been screwed but all they wanted was a name and I came up with a fake name. For the day I was Amanda Smith.

When I came home mom asked how my friend from LA was and I said "Fine" as normally as I could and made an excuse and went up to my room. I didn't cry for the baby, not one tear. I just curled up on my bed with Lorenzo and stared at absolutely nothing. The next day I told mom I miscarried and she wanted to take me to the hospital but I convinced her not to because I was too upset and that I just wanted to sleep.

Now I have Sandy's baby. Sandy's baby. My husband's child not my boyfriend's. I want to have this baby. I know this baby will make Sandy so happy and I love to see him happy. Sandy will make a wonderful father but I'm not so sure I will as a mother. I've already killed one. I meant that baby would be already 3 already or there about.

I don't know. I'm afraid that I will continually disappoint the baby and that he or she will grow up hate me because I am too much like my father I think and that is a good thing.

I can just imagine Sandy holding the baby, feeding it, playing with it, encouraging it to walk and talk and being there when he or she falls. I can't imagine myself doing any of these to be honest but I know I'm probably contradicting myself here but want to be this baby's mother; I want to give birth to it, to watch it grow up and kiss his or her cuts better. I want to fuss over the baby until it is old enough to tell me to stop and to mother him or her so much.

I'm actually excited now because I'm going to be a mother and someone is going to call me mommy or mom, it makes a change from Kirsten, Kear or the ever detested Kiki.

I can't wait to tell mom that I'm pregnant. At least this time there is certainty and I want to have the baby and I'm ready to be a mother this time and I love the father and am certain of our future. Mom will be so thrilled. Dad may be excited because at times he is a softy but with the baby he'll freak out. I really hope he'll be happy for me . . . for us and I want him to love and like the baby.

I can't wait to begin looking for the baby's tiny little clothes and I know I will go all mushy looking at baby booties because they are so adorable. I don't actually know if the baby is a boy or girl and I don't have any motherly instincts as to what the baby is. I guess I want to be surprised.

We've been married for over 3 months and we have already started our family. Me, Sandy and our baby. Our Baby. Half me, half Sandy but I wish the baby was all Sandy because Sandy is perfect and so will the baby.

I'm married and pregnant and I can't legally drink. At the wedding mom had to say that I could drink the wine and champagne but I didn't get pissed so that was ok. What a wonderful world.

I can't wait to see my child in seven months. Having a little person inside you for nine months may sound uncomfortable and rather. . . . creepy but I want to nurture the child to the best of my abilities. Seven months sounds too long but it will either be too long or too short.

I'll tell you when it's up;

Kirsten

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**Sorry this couldn't be fluffy anad happy. ****Please please review. The next chapter is Seth's birth and after that is Seth's first birthday!**


	5. Seth's birth

**Hey, sorry about the lack of updates on this fic because 'However Dark the Night' monopolised me for a while, but I thought I would get this chapter up before my exams start in over a week. Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed this.**

**Disclaimer – Don't own any OC character but I wish I owned Kirsten because she just rocks!**

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November 10th 1988

Dear diary,

I'm not actually writing this on the date that I want but I was a little but busy and the thought of writing in my diary didn't exactly cross my mind but mom brought it this afternoon when she came. I had to tell her where I hid it but I guess now I have to think of another place.

Well . . . I'm a . . . mom!

I have a son!

A baby boy called Seth!

He was born on the seventh

He is so adorable and I love him so much already, maybe that's because he has just spent that last nine months inside me and I just loved him from the day he was conceived but my past just clouded it for a few hours. Well, almost nine months considering he was a little eager to come into the world three weeks early!

Well, I'm going to tell how he was born so I'll be jumping from the past to the present but bare with me! I started feeling contractions while watching Bugs Bunny; I love Bugs. I was watching cartoons in Sandy's arms and the dull pain I had been feeling all day decided to make itself known. I knew my contractions had started and Seth was showing he was impatient.

I told Sandy about the pains and he practically jumped off the couch and he ran around like a headless chicken getting a bag, car keys and everything while I tried to calm him down and try to make myself and him breathe at the same. He kept mumbling, "Contractions, I gotta get hospital to the Kirsten" over and over and if it weren't for the damned contractions I would've told him to calm down and say it properly!

In the car to the hospital I wasn't sure who I was more afraid for; me or the baby judging by Sandy's erratic-yet-trying-to-be-calm-driving! Sandy is a sane, levelled headed man but it comes to me or the baby, he just panics and becomes very protective. I'm protective of him too and of the course the baby. I would dive in front of a bullet a million times if I had to for my husband and my child.

When we arrived at the hospital Sandy was this close to lifting me up and carrying me into the hospital but as much as I would've loved that, I refused to let him because I was just in labour not dying.

When I was settled in labour and delivery, they told me I was three centimetres dilated so I knew I was in for a long wait. Seth was eager to kick a hole in me but apparently not to come out! While I waited, Sandy called my mom and dad in Newport and his mom in New York. His mom hates me but hopefully she'll love Seth when she arrives tonight.

Sandy was beside me throughout everything. Every centimetre he was there. The pain wasn't too bad (at the start) but I guess it could've been worse but then again it could've been fucking better! As I waited I kinda became more frightened that something would happen during the birth but when I voiced this to Sandy he told that nothing would go wrong and that everyone around me would do everything to make sure the baby was safely delivered, then he kissed me and that calmed me right down. A kiss from Sandy can cure anything . . . except contractions!

Five hours later my mom and dad arrived. Mom was excited whereas dad was a dad to me and a grinch to Sandy but that didn't surprise me. He still doesn't see Sandy as my husband, just some guy that got his daughter knocked up. Hailey was getting chocolate out of the canteen but how she could eat at 1am is beyond me, but that's Hailey for you.

Then another five hours involved a lot of waiting around and me trying to get some sleep but that was kind of impossible. However I got a few hours worth on and off. I admittedly was getting frustrated for I had been in the hospital at that point for over ten hours! Ten fucking hours! I actually said that out loud but I said it was the hormones!

I noticed that dad was a little uncomfortable around me but then again he's been against everything I've done since I left Newport so no doubt his first grandchild will be something to add to that list.

I have no idea what tense I am supposed to be using because this dairy is like a person I talk to so I write as if I am talking to someone so if I ever re-read this, this is why my brain is scrambled.

After ten hours and ten centimetres I was finally moved to delivery and I was more than relieved I can tell you that. But the worst was yet to come.

The next seven hours involved trying to push a watermelon out of something the size of a melon. I could not believe the pain I was in but Sandy kept holding my hand and wiping my hair out of my face but I think he kept holding my hand because I wouldn't let it go. He also kept brushing a cold cloth on my forehead which I really appreciate now but at the time I was pre-occupied with giving birth to our child and I couldn't have been bothered to continue because I was exhausted and in pain!

The doctors and nurses offered me epidurals and every painkiller possible and which they had in storage but I refused all of them, for what reason I do not know but Sandy joked that I would hold it over the child's head so when there was an argument I could just say, "Seventeen hours of labour!" but thinking back on it I don't think I would have done it differently if I got the chance to do it again.

I know I have summed up seven hours of full blown labour in only a few lines but it was painful but when I held my son in my arms for the first time I knew that he was worth every second of pain. He was so small; I didn't expect him to be that small.

Then when Seth was clean and in his blanket and quiet and asleep he was so adorable and I completely fell in love with him. He so looked like Sandy; dark hair, blue eyes just Sandy all round and that's how I wanted him to be. Perfect, just like the perfect man, Sandy Cohen. A little Sandy clone.

Sethela Ezekiel Cohen. We call him Seth for short. It has a nice ring to it. Hopefully Sophie approves!

Amazingly, even though I felt like I was the size of a range rover, the only weight I put on was Seth and a few extra pounds adding up to between ten and fifteen pounds. I couldn't believe it because the baby wanted anything and everything even if I hated it or was allergic to it. But if I did eat it I couldn't keep it down long enough so we worked out a system Seth and I but I guess his eyes were too big for my stomach!

When Seth was hungry they brought him to me and I breastfed him for the first time but it would've been for the second baby I would have breastfed a baby but what's done is done.

But when I was breastfeeding it was kinda strange but at the same time so natural and it was like we had a connection and I don't mean the umbilical cord and seventeen hours of labour and almost nine months of growth and nurturing inside me. I can't explain it but it was wonderful.

When I first saw Sandy holding our son, I just cried. Sandy couldn't understand why I was crying but the sight I saw was so beautiful. I wish I had my camera at that moment. My gift to Sandy was our son and he loves him so much considering the hours he spent singing and reading and talking to the baby while he was still inside me. I remember all the nights Sandy would read comics to Seth while putting on funny voices for the different characters while he was still in the womb. Sandy and Seth. I think, no, I know that they will be great friends when Seth is older and not just father and son.

Today, mom is so fussing over Seth but she says its grandmother's prerogative and I won't stand in her way. Dad on the other hand can't wait to turn Seth into the star quarterback on the high school football team. He is only three days old and my dad, my son's grandfather, is already planning his future.

I cannot believe that I am a mother. I gave birth to a human being, my son, our son, a tiny person who will walk and talk and be whoever he wants to be; beit a lawyer like his father or a doctor or something. I just want my son to be the happiest child in the world because I love him and I want to protect him

Seth Cohen, my son, my baby boy.

What a wonderful world.

Kirsten Cohen.

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**Well, that's that one finished but I'll try to get Seth's first birthday up soon but I can't guarantee anything because of exams and everything. Laste June at the VERY latest but tomorrow at the VERY earliest but I doubt it. Reviews are very welcome and will encourage me to get the next chapter up. lol.**


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